I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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