Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
