we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
