Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
