and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
