There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
