Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
