her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
