Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
