So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
