My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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