I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
