our cab driver is having phone sex.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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