He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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