Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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