i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
