i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
