when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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