I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
my poor anus
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
