I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
