its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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