I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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