BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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