Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
