I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We are two peas in an std pod
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
