my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
