Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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