If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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