I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
