Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize