Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
