You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
