OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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