I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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