my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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