I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
