everyone is single if you try hard enough
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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