She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
