and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
