I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
