Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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