happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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