Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
