I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
