her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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