Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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