but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
being pregnant is like rehab
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
