You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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