What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
