Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
