Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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