I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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