Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need water and some morals
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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