I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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