ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
