Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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