she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
there is puke in my bra ... again
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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