Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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