Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
