Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
