everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
