Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
