we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
