Please, let me fuck your mom
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
