Im at strip club and am horny
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize